In a study that followed 388 newlywed couples for 27 months across four waves, three sets of factors each independently predicted how satisfaction changed: each partner’s enduring vulnerabilities, the stress in their lives, and how the couple communicated (Ross et al., 2022). In other words, neither love, nor skill, nor good circumstances is enough on its own.
That fits everyday experience. Some couples start with great passion and slowly drift apart. Others talk well but wear down under pressure from work, money and exhaustion.
This article puts three questions side by side: where marriage strength comes from, why the excitement of a relationship fades with time, and where communication skills actually help. It ends with simple exercises anyone can try.
Where does marriage strength come from?
The Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model: a framework proposing that marital quality results from three things: each person’s enduring traits and vulnerabilities, the stresses the couple faces, and how well the couple adapts and communicates. Karney and Bradbury introduced it in 1995, and Ross et al. (2022) tested it.
The model’s value is that it avoids blaming one person or one cause. When a relationship becomes hard, you can ask which of the three areas is under the most strain.
One study: Ross et al. (2022) tested the model with 388 couples with low incomes (88% Black or Hispanic). Satisfaction was measured four times over 27 months and communication was observed. All three sets of factors predicted satisfaction independently. However, couple communication did not mediate the effects of vulnerabilities and stress, which the authors describe as an open question.
That last point matters. Communication skill is important, but the research does not show that all of the effect of stress and vulnerability passes through communication. This comes from a single study and should be read with caution.
Why does the excitement fade over time?
According to self-expansion theory, in a developing relationship we include the partner in our sense of self, and that inclusion is exciting. Over time we get used to it, the excitement slows, and the relationship can become dull (Aron & Tomlinson, 2026).
This fading is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. It is a result of getting used to each other.
The authors suggest that doing novel and challenging activities together can re-energize a relationship, because the excitement becomes associated with the partnership. They review experimental and daily diary studies for this principle. Note that this is a review by researchers of this very model, and I have read only its abstract.
Novelty does not mean the same thing to everyone
In three 21-day daily diary studies covering 390 couples, the results depended on attachment style (Schrage et al., 2026).
On days when avoidantly attached people reported more novelty and excitement, their typically lower satisfaction was attenuated. Familiar activities did not have this buffering effect. For anxiously attached people it was the reverse: familiarity and comfort buffered their satisfaction, while novelty did not.
So “let’s add more excitement” is not always the right advice. Sometimes the same simple, familiar dinner helps more. Daily diary studies show a pattern and do not by themselves prove cause.
Where do skills help most?
Bradbury and Karney’s (2004) review indicates that the effect of problem-solving skills on changes in marital quality is not independent of context. Social support and positive affect moderate it. Chronic and acute circumstances also play a central role in how spouses’ judgments of marital quality fluctuate.
Put simply: skills are necessary, but they work better in a warm and supportive setting. And when outside pressure is high, even the best conversations are harder to have.
Sometimes the best skill is reducing the load: sharing chores more fairly, sleeping better or getting help from others.
Limits and cautions
- Most findings above come from article abstracts and do not carry a definite individual meaning for any particular couple.
- Ross et al. studied newlywed couples with low incomes, and the results should not be automatically generalized to all couples.
- Daily diary studies show associations, not causes.
- This article is not a substitute for individual or couples counselling.
- If there is fear, threat or violence in a relationship, communication exercises are not appropriate. Contact a professional or local safety services first.
Exercise: the three-factor map and a matched shared experience
These exercises are practical applications of the findings above, not a tested protocol from a workbook. Try them as small experiments, not as treatment.
A) The three-factor map (15 minutes, each person separately). Draw three columns in a notebook: “my enduring traits”, “the pressures in our life right now” and “how we talk”. Write one or two items in each. Then read both maps together without blaming anyone. Based on the Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model.
B) A new shared experience (once a week). Choose something that is slightly new and challenging for both of you, such as a new walking route or cooking an unfamiliar dish. Based on the principle reviewed in Aron & Tomlinson (2026).
C) An experience matched to need. Ask each other: “This week, what would help us more, novelty or familiar comfort?” If one of you tends to pull away, try novelty. If one of you worries more about distance, try the familiar. Based on the pattern in Schrage et al. (2026), which should still be interpreted with caution.
Reflection questions:
- Which column of our map is under the most strain these days?
- How did it feel the last time we did something new together?
- What do my partner and I each need most in hard moments?
Frequently asked questions
Is communication skills training enough to make a marriage strong?
In Ross et al., couple communication was one of three predictors, but individual vulnerabilities and stress also had independent effects. Skills are necessary but not the whole story.
Does fading excitement mean the relationship is broken?
Not necessarily. According to self-expansion theory, getting used to a partner slows the initial excitement. This pattern is common and can be responded to.
What if my partner is not comfortable with new experiences?
Schrage et al. found that for some people familiarity and comfort help more. Ask what feels easier for them and choose a mix together.
Sources
- Ross, J. M., Nguyen, T. P., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2022). Three tests of the Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model: Independent prediction, mediation, and generalizability. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.921485
- Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2004). Understanding and altering the longitudinal course of marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0022-2445.2004.00059.x
- Aron, A., & Tomlinson, J. M. (2026). Self-expansion activities with a partner as one path to well-being. Behavioral Sciences. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs16050700
- Schrage, K. M., Impett, E. A., Topal, M. A., Harasymchuk, C., & Muise, A. (2026). Novel and exciting or tried and true? Tailoring shared relationship experiences to insecurely attached partners. Social Psychological and Personality Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506251411438